Tomorrow begins a 2000 mile journey. It will take 2 days. 2 days of darkness. Awaiting the end of the journey. Upon arrival there will be release. After years of longing the desire will finally be fulfilled. deidre will feel her wrapped tightly around her. deidre will be able to touch her, caress her, hold her, use her. Thursday is the long awaited day when training will begin. On Thursday deidre’s corset arrives.
It's almost here!!!!
she won't really be doing anything other than working. Master's gone up to Atlanta to be Mr Pumpkin without her, which is ok, because travelling without 2 dogs and 2 cats for 9 hours at a time is always a plus in Master's book, and the last time We/we all went up MoonShadow decided to be a brat and jumped out of the car, deidre spent 20 minutes at maximum freak out level, but she finally caught MoonShadow and We/we went on Our/our merry way. So, deidre hasn't been away from the house since last January except for her trip to California. she's pretty okay with that. she's comfortable here as long as Crazy Neighbor #1 and Crazy Neighbor #2 leave her alone.
So, deidre's been listening to her favorite Halloween song all morning. It is, of course, Danny Elfman's Demo version of "This is Halloween" There's a dark version by Marilyn Manson, and a lighter version by Panic! at the Disco but Danny Elfman's is, in deidre's opinion, the best.
Wanna listen?
Imagine, if you will, deidre at home, naked as usual, bopping to this song, doing all of the crazy voices including her "manly" voice (which isn't so manly) everytime the deep voice in the recording says, "THIS IS HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN!!" she scruches down her eyebrows and bobs her head up and down. Pretty goofy huh? But it's so much fun. It always makes Master chuckle. The best part about this song is that it's the stripped down, raw version of what was ultimately used in the movie with vocals and sythesizer stuff by Danny Elfman.
OK enough silliness for now. deidre's gonna go listen some more.
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missrubykissesisabellaval
deidre’s fantasized for quite a while about being used by a Domme. The fantasies are never really sadistic, perhaps involving being hung from the chains and flogged and teased, or being jerked down into a hands and knees position and forced to suck a strap on and then be fucked with it nice and hard. Even having two dominant hands in her hair pulling her face down onto that beautiful pussy, grinding her face against that wetness and then allowed to lick and suck Her through orgasm after orgasm with no climax whatsoever for deidre.
Along these lines, deidre received an e-mail this morning from
isabellaval inviting deidre to Her studio to do some recordings together. They’d involve an Egyptian slavegirl, the principal’s office, the naughty maid etc. The possibilities are endless!! Maybe deidre could even be hypnotized into a Domme state herself. Sort of like “Forced Domination – Miss Isabella is so skilled in hypnosis that She can even convince a lifestyle slave to take charge” Or something like that.
It would all be so incredibly erotic. Miss Isabella is absolutely beautiful. deidre just finished watching a few of Her video samples and She just has gorgeous eyes and hair, and Her voice…..no wonder She has so many boys that are drawn to Her. How could they not be totally helpless to that voice?
Anyway. deidre is really hoping that after the holidays Master might allow her to do something like this with Miss Isabella. deidre would be gone for at least a few days, away from phones and Masterless, but she has the feeling that Miss Isabella would take good care of her.
Even deidre can only come up with so many ways to say thank you before she begins to repeat herself. she’s going to go ahead and respond in bulk instead of individually. So, to E/everyone who pointed out that giving her all is always good enough she says, “Thank You/you!!!” deidre is always harder on herself than she should be. Even Master gave her “the look” after reading her post wondering what the hell she was being so hard on herself for.
Having people around who are willing to tell her the way things really are, people who support her when she doesn’t meet her own expectations, people who participate in her silliness and even make her feel good for being herself mean a lot to deidre. Chances are pretty darned good that if you are reading this you are one of those people.
Now, on to something else. Humiliation. It’s something that is pretty difficult to make this girl feel in the conventional ways. she has callers who enjoy humiliating a girl, and deidre can play along, but what they want is for her to be demeaned by drinking her piss, sucking the taste of her ass off of a dildo, drinking out of the toilet, puking, crawling around on all fours snorting like a piggie etc.
None of it works. It hasn’t since deidre had this terrible call about a year and a half ago. she went into details then, and won’t now, cause it’s pretty terrible, but it basically messed her up for several days.
deidre can, and probably has, fantasized about every conceivable subject, fantasy, kink whatever, and she gets off on it because she knows that it leads to whomever cumming. That’s the whole problem. How can doing something that eventually leads to that ultimate evidence of their pleasure (cum) ever be humiliating?
deidre’s done a few things that have been humiliating, but they are unconventional. Singing or playing her guitar are pretty humiliating and she has no idea how those things can possibly lead to pleasure, but apparently they have for at least 2 people.
The fact that she was so full of piss that she puked it up around Master’s cock was pretty humiliating. Like a good girl though she didn’t spill and (ew) swallowed it back down. The humiliating part wasn’t the piss drinking, it was doing something so inappropriate while His cock was in her mouth.
she’s had to spread her legs and hold her ass open while Master tried to dig out the little plug that her butt swallowed. she’s expelled enemas within his hearing. No matter how hard you pray, there is no beat that is appropriate to squirt that stuff out to when Enya is playing. It doesn’t cover the sound, and certainly doesn’t cover the stench. Eventually you get used to it. she’s even had to release enemas for Callers and then stick her face into the water of the toilet, pull her face out long enough to force herself to puke into it and stick her face back into the shit and puke.
she’s sent pics of her bloody cunt, cum filled cunt, shitty ass, ass while shitting, cum on face, blood on body, spanked ass-tits-thighs etc, crying, hurt, welted and so on. she’s been called cunt, whore, bitch….etc name it, it’s probably been used.
There is pretty much nothing that she can think of that will force her to feel humiliation (other than singing and guitar playing) Any ideas out there? What works with you? What you think might work with deidre?
deidre feels like a failure. Not only did she let her imagination get the best of her and plan this entire ordeal promising herself and everyone else a long stretch of isolation, discipline, hunger, thirst etc ending only after she’d reached a place of enlightenment – or something along those lines - but she didn’t even get close to that. she didn’t even last a day.
**edited**
Thank You/you all for pointing out that just because the path was different than she expected doesn't mean that the journey or destination were any less valuable.
she had envisioned 5 or 6 days at the least locked in the cage. she would receive water after the end of the 2nd day, she envisioned not being allowed to eat at all (remember the rule of 3 that tells of the body’s limits. 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water, 3 weeks without food.) she would be locked away until she didn’t know what day it was or how long she’d been there. she’d be brought out for occasional discipline for His enjoyment, perhaps to worship His cock, or be forced to prepare Him meals when she herself could not eat.
5 or 6 days wasn’t realistic though and Master knew that. He knew that keeping her locked away for that long would eventually lead to things happening that would damage deidre’s psyche and would change her, as she stated in one of her entries. The thing is that Master didn’t want her changed. He likes her the way she is.
By yesterday afternoon deidre knew that the experience wasn’t having the desired effect and probably wouldn’t even if drawn out for days, but she couldn’t admit that. Master must’ve seen that and led the discussion so that she could beg for harsher treatment. She thinks that is when He decided that He would force her to beg for mercy before the evening was through. He told her as much, and deidre remembers thinking to herself that she wouldn’t no matter what. If nothing else she wanted to be able to last longer than she did when she was being punished back before being recollared. she wanted to be able to push it further.
she could only take so much pain though. It might have been different if she was doing it only for Master’s pleasure, but she wasn’t. she was doing it for herself and it’s so much harder for her to be strong for her own reasons. Knowing that she was in incredible agony and all she had to do was beg for it to stop, just a short little sentence and it would be done. There was no fear of disappointing Him, only disappointing herself.
she held out as long as she could hoping that somehow He would see that she didn’t want the pain anymore and just decide that she was done. That way she wouldn’t have to admit defeat. He could command her to stop, her pride be damned, but it didn’t work that way and she had to swallow that pride anyway.
Now she feels that she has let down not only herself, but those of you who read what she writes and expected more of her. she’s sorry for not being stronger, and for letting her imagination get carried away in public and not being able to deliver what she promised, for being so weak.
she did however get what she needed. she reached that place much more quickly than she thought she would, not just the point where it was too much but the point where she was pushed over an edge and then brought back slowly in Master's arms while she "went away" for a bit. That need in her has been fed and deidre feels so much better because of it.
On another note, according to a comment on Master’s LJ there was a discussion somewhere out there on the net (if someone cares to share deidre would enjoy reading it) where people were discussing the safety aspects of this kind of treatment.
First of all, Master knows that a slave who is damaged, injured, sick, etc cannot serve nearly as well as one who is whole, uninjured and well. It would completely defeat His purpose of having a slave if He caused her any of the above.
Second, Master loves deidre very much. While He enjoys hearing her sounds of pain when He is the direct cause of it He has no desire to be an indirect cause of harm to her in other fashions. He wouldn’t starve her. If this had gone on longer He would’ve forced her to eat. He wouldn’t allow her to become dehydrated, or to be kept in the cage so long that something irreversible would happen to her muscles or joints. deidre has had Master’s piss enough times that both of Us/us know the effects, which are nothing more severe than really upset taste buds.
Both Master and deidre thank those of You/you who were concerned. There very well may be submissives and slaves and certainly other “normal” people who are locked away, starved and beaten without mercy causing untold amounts of damage to their bodies and spirits, but deidre is not one of those people. Not only is deidre not dumb enough to be in a situation such as that, but Master cares for her very much and would never do such a horrible thing to any person for whom He has responsibility.
Master has decided that yes, He will grant deidre’s request to be stripped down to nothing. Tonight, when she’s finished working, she will be given a series of enemas to clean her out completely. Usually it’s between 2 and 3, just enough that the water begins to run clear. Sunday will be a fast day so that once she has finished working she can go into the cage completely empty.
deidre doesn’t know if she will have the bed pans, blankets, a pillow etc. she doesn’t know if she will be allowed to eat or drink, or if she will be allowed out at all. she doesn’t know if she will be permitted to speak or to communicate in any way.
The last time Master did something similar to this was for punishment. We/we were up at the house in North Carolina. It was shortly after He had allowed her to return to Him. she had earned it as punishment for leaving.
she doesn’t remember much about it, but she was denied speech, food, water, even a name. At that point she had even had her status of slave stripped from her. she was simply a creature attempting to earn it’s way back into the Master’s home.
The cage was pushed into an out of the way corner and covered with a blanket. There was a dog bed lining the floor of it. Master cuffed her wrists and had her crawl into the cage. He locked her wrists through the walls of the cage and left. she had instructions to make an animalistic grunting sound if she need to piss or shit. When she did need to relieve herself He would take her into the shower and have her squat over the drain hole. He’d stand there and watch as she pissed, then hand her a square of toilet paper, let her wipe, and take her back to the cage.
Nights were terrible. They were long and lonely. Unlike now, the cage wasn’t even close enough to where Master slept for deidre to be able to take comfort from the sounds of His breathing as He slept. The house was out in a wooded area 20 minutes away from the closest town. Everything was quite, silent. There wasn’t a single sound to focus on or to be distracted by unless it was a sound that deidre made.
At some point deidre’s allergies kicked in. her eyes began to water and her nose ran. The first time Master let deidre out to piss she was able to grunt and sign for a tissue, but hours went by with no more opportunities to do so. It was night, Master was asleep and she didn’t think she could grunt loud enough to wake Him up from the other side of the house. she wasn’t sure that she was even worthy of another tissue. Afterall, she was being punished wasn’t she? Did she even deserve the luxury of a tissue? As the night went it became saturated with her snot. It tore into pieces. deidre was so desperate that she ended up hanging the strips on the bars of the cage to dry swapping them out whenever one was dry enough to use again.
That was when deidre thought about what she was doing and how horribly pathetic it was. How could she love a Man who would do this to her? He’d turned her into an animal. Was this really worth it? An indefinite period of time, up to a month He’d said, locked away this way. she begin to get angry, and then the anger turned to hate. she began to hate Him. she ran things over and over in her head feeding that hate until she looked again at what she was doing. she reminded herself that she had begged to be allowed to come back, to prove herself and her need to be His no matter what. What is a month compared to the rest of her life with Him, being Owned by Him? It’s nothing. The hate began to dissolve and a sense of peace settled upon her.
Now though it’s different. deidre’s asked for this because she needs it. When it comes down to it there will be no one to hate but herself. Tomorrow night she will once again be locked away for an indefinite period of time. Master will be updating here and on His own LJ, masterspeaks. she will come back changed, she’s sure, but once again feeling that she is His completely down to the deepest darkest parts of herself.
Tonight Master and deidre sat down in the living room, He in His big leather chair, she on the floor on her kneeling pillow at His side. We/we had rented The Secretary. deidre has been hearing about this movie for the past 2 years from Callers and on occasion from other people she’s met through the internet.
Everyone raved about the spanking scene where the secretary is bent over her bosses desk reading the letter that she’s just made a typo on out loud. This is really the only part of the movie that deidre had ever heard about. No one had ever mentioned the best part. No, it’s not when she is crawling on her hands and knees down the long hallway. It’s not when she’s on her hands and knees on a straw covered desk being fit with a saddle. It’s not when He finally has her bend over His desk again, instructs her to lift her skirt and pull down her stockings and panties so that He can unleash a load of cum onto her back and ass. It’s not even when we finally get to see her naked, fully, small breasted, creamy skinned, sprawled out after being taken as His.
The best part of the entire movie happens part way through “the test” In a way it’s a battle of wills, hers against His, and hers against her own. She’s sitting there in her wedding dress after ditching her fiancé. Her hands are palm down on the desk, she’s been instructed not to take her feet from the floor, not to move until He returns. The scene is shot from behind her chair and as you watch you can see her piss herself.
Master and deidre’s relationship has evolved to the point where He trusts her absolutely in her submission. His control over her has become broad rather than specific. He feels His dominance because He is able to control deidre without direct exhibition of it every moment of the day. He controls her to the point that it’s ingrained in her. It’s second nature, or first nature if there is such a thing. she knows, most of the time, instinctively what to do, how to react, and how to behave.
For some reason seeing that particular part of The Secretary tonight brought deidre to the realization that she misses the more direct control. she misses doings because of a direct order as opposed to doing them because she know it pleases Him. she needs to be taken to a point where she feels that every part of herself is controlled by Him, or that if some part of her loses control, her bladder for instance, it is because it is His will. she wants to be denied food, drink, sex, pleasure, comfort, sleep and speech until she feels it with every fiber of her being. Not just feeling it because it’s always there, but feeling it because she is slowly sinking deeper into agony.
she is craving days of this. days of hunger and thirst. Days where she is locked cramped into a cage brought out only to be hosed off or beaten, so thirsty that she licks the sweat from her body and the tears from her face or even drinks her own piss from desperation. she wants to sink into herself, to be forced there, to become less than herself. To become less than nothing.
she knows that at first she’ll fight it. her body and her mind will rebel. she’ll hate it. Internally she’ll scream and beg and run the words through her head over and over until she’s tired of her own inner self. she’ll cry, she’ll come close, and maybe even actually do the body tossing, jerking, that young children do when they are throwing a tantrum because they are frustrated and there is nothing else to do.
she doesn’t know why she needs this or why she wants it. she doesn’t know why she didn’t realize before now that this is what has been missing, this is the reason why she’s felt herself feeling frustrated over the dumbest little insignificant things. It is though. she needs to be taken out of control have every bit of it stripped from her, she needs to hate and love in the same moment until finally He releases her.
Perhaps now, at this moment the most horrible thing that You can do, Master, is tell her no, but she doesn’t think You will and she begs You now. Please, Master, she begs you to do this to her, to strip her down to the bare nothing, and then just a little bit further no matter how miserable you see her, no matter how hard she begs or how many tears she sheds. Please do this thing and force her to that place, then bring her back slowly when it’s all over with Your love, and Your touch. Build her back up. Please make her feel all of it totally and completely without question and make the thinking stop. Take even that away from her. Take away everything so that she can be reminded when you give it back that it does all come from You, that it is all a gift. Please?
deidre found this the other day 
And she realized that it’s been a very long time since she’s been able to do a student teacher role-play. Of course one of deidre’s biggest turnons is when an older man in authority takes advantage of her. It can be a daddy, uncle, teacher, principle, or just a stranger who happens to find a cute girl shopping at the mall. Sometimes they are fairly mild and “consensual” other times it’s flat out rape and deidre is violently forced against her will to submit. she doesn’t always make it out alive. Sometimes deidre is tasked with luring in others and helping. It doesn’t really seem to matter what happens as long as that submission is there. deidre gets so incredibly turned on while role-playing these little fantasies.
What came to mind when seeing this photo was one of the more mild fantasies. deidre’s a student who’s been slacking a little on her work lately. One day the professor holds her back after class to talk with her about her performance lately. At this point there is no way that deidre can raise her grade to passing even if she got perfect scores on every assignment given for the rest of the semester. Of course, deidre’s crushed. she didn’t think she was doing that poorly. she’d just been distracted.
she begs and pleads with the professor to be able to do some extra credit or make up work but he just won’t allow it. Until he happens to notice the curve of her ass cheeks under deidre’s skirt as she is pacing back and forth. He decides that maybe there is something that she can do for extra credit. With every load of cum she gets him to blow into her mouth he will raise her grade one point. Every load in her pussy gets her 2 points and every time he fucks that sweet tight little ass until he cums he’ll give her 3 points.
After a bit of deliberation she agrees. she’s never taken it in the ass, and is scared but she’s afraid that the semester is too far gone for any of the other options to work. deidre really needs an A in this class.
He bends her over the desk and kicks her legs open so that she is spread wide. deidre’s skirt is flipped up over her back and her firm ass cheeks are framed by her tiny pair of g-string panties. He doesn’t even take the time to pull them down, just moving them to the side so her puckered hole is exposed instead.
deidre’s eyes are clenched tight and her entire body tenses as she hears his pants unzip. Then she feels the flesh of his cock against her body, cradled between her ass cheeks. The head presses against her slit and slides in for just a moment as he spits down onto her asshole, wetting it. He presses it against that hole, grabs onto her hips and begins to slide His hard cock into her virgin ass.
His cock head pops inside, stretching her as he slowly slides the rest inside savoring the feel of her tightness. Her whimpers of pain are ignored as he begins to thrust in and out of her, gradually picking up speed until he’s pounding her into the desk. Finally she hears him groan as he shoots his seed into her.
When he’s finished he pulls out slowly and looks down at deidre’s gaping hole and the trickle of his cum dribbling down toward her cunt. He repositions her panties and pulls her skirt down telling her that she will return for more Tuesday after class and that she is dismissed.
Master's out in the sun reading the paper by the pool. There's a breeze blowing and the windows are open. deidre's inside in a bluesy kinda mood so she's had the stereo blasting for the last hour or so. George Thorogood's "I Drink Alone" comes on and deidre goes outside to beg Master for some help putting furniture back after mopping. He tells her it will be just a moment, then asks if Xavia is ok. He thought He heard her inside screeching. deidre explained that no, it was deidre singing. He gave her a look and a smirk and said to her, with a funny sound in His voice like He's trying to keep from laughing, "It sounded good"
Lately there seem to be a lot of thought provoking statements and questions being posted in relation to submission. It seems a little unfair to go into a big long drawn out response in someone else’s blog so deidre is doing it here.
First of all, in deidre’s opinion, the difference between a submissive and a slave is simple. As she wrote in response to bella_de_vil it is the word ‘no’. If a person can say the word no and expect it to mean anything, then that person is not a slave, unless of course that person has been * given * the privilege of doing so. If the person says no simply as a way to receive punishment then that person is essentially topping from below, trying to control the relationship, which boils down to a lack of honesty and openness. THAT’s a big no-no in a M/s relationship.
This post isn’t here to say that submissives are better than slaves or vice versa. One cannot be a slave without also being submissive. Different people have different needs and desires. To each, his or her own as long as the person is being honest about who or what they are to themselves and to the other(s) in the relationship. In the end they are just titles, just words.
That being said, deidre will go ahead and label herself anyway. she is a slave. The last real independent choice she made was long before Master put His collar around her neck. Any "choices" since then have either been eliminated or been made with Master’s guidance or His preferences or needs in mind. No "choice" has been made that would be against what He wants.
deidre says that she has no limits because she will not refuse her owner anything. His limits become her own, they change, they grow, they shift, but hers are always His. Anyone who gives themselves over as a slave without knowing this in advance is a fool. In 5 years when suddenly the Owner develops an interest in something that you said you’d never do, cutting, prostitution, water sports, bestiality, age-play etc what do you do? Do you say no, take off the collar and leave? Then you aren’t a slave, and you aren’t putting your Owners wants and needs before your own. The thought of leaving just doesn’t occur. Even if it does, as someone said in response to kaya’s post, the thought of leaving and the guilt and disappointment involved in such an action are worse than moving that boundary line.
Along with that giving up of boundaries comes a certain responsibility to the slave as well. Our owners don’t always know what we are thinking and feeling. Sometimes it doesn’t matter, but there are times when it does. Times when it is appropriate to say or signal that something is wrong. We have a responsibility to inform them when damage might be done just as we would if the water heater breaks or the computer is making a funny sound.
Slaves are property and because we must be pleasing in every way possible we must not allow ourselves to be put into a state that diminishes our ability to serve if that is not our Owner’s desire. This isn’t saying no, it’s equivalent to the engine warning light coming on in your car. It can be ignored, and possibly lead to the car being ruined, or it can be used as a sign to ensure that the care continues to run as well as possible for as long as possible.
We may happen to think and have the ability to express our feelings, but we are still property, we are owned, and we are valuable to our owners because we function well and meet their needs. If we refuse to adapt when their needs change we loose value. deidre spent far too long being a worthless wife to ever want to be a slave in less than mint condition.