Masochism as a Form of Pleasure
deidre has received quite a few comments and e-mails in response to the recordings that she made with Miss Isabella. One of them said,
“There is no judgment here. If you really did what you described to sell recordings, I honestly do not understand the concept. If you faked some or all of it, then I would feel better. This is not a judgment, but an admission on my part that I cannot understand this as a form of pleasure unless it comes about from pleasing someone in charge. Life is tough enough. I like and respect you too much to understand this.”
This is a person that deidre respects quite a bit (yes, even the “morning after”) He’s been trying from when we first began speaking to understand deidre’s submission outside of the bedroom.
deidre has other callers as well who’ve asked her about this very same thing. They get to know deidre and begin to feel that she’s far to nice or sweet to be in a relationship with someone who exercises His sadistic nature. They feel that deidre should be spoiled and treated like a princess, except, of course when she is being fucked like a little whore.
To be honest, deidre can only handle so much of that. Yes, presents are nice. That part of being a princess deidre could handle easily however the other aspects, the pampering, the expensive clothes and makeup and jewelry, the nails and hair, the closets full of clothes, the sitting back and having a Man wrapped around deidre’s finger manipulating Him to get her to do what she wants…all of that is just…well…too similar to parts of deidre’s marriage.
The first thing that needs to be addressed is what deidre gets out of the pain or discipline. deidre’s written before that she is just about the furthest thing there is from being a physical masochist. deidre does not like pain. deidre doesn’t yet have the ability to separate the hurt from it and to feel it simply as sensation then translate that into level of sensation which in the end makes intensity level 3 of pleasure and intensity level 3 of pain equal. At least that’s how deidre imagines that it works for you lucky people who crave this kind of thing. It’s all about the level of intensity of sensation rather than the type of sensation.
Before a session deidre can feel herself gradually begin to crumble inside. If deidre has long enough to think about what Master might do to her she comes close to panicking. The closer the time is, the more terrified deidre becomes, until finally she’s there, tied down or up, or not depending upon Master’s preference at the time. this girl tries to take deep breathes. she tries to focus and to concentrate on how honored she is supposed to feel to be giving Him this kind of pleasure.
That only lasts through the first few strokes. Then deidre starts to fight it. she doesn’t struggle or beg. It’s all a mental fight, but gradually she loses that battle too. If the session is long enough there’s a point that deidre gets to where she begins to feel sorry for herself. she wonders why they hell she submits herself to this. she wonders how long it will last. she dwells on how much it hurts and how much she hates the pain.
There’s a wall that she teeters on at this point until finally something gives inside and she falls off of it and into total submission. she comes to the point where she every part of her is at His mercy, her heart, her soul, her mind, her body. It’s all there vulnerable for Him. All thoughts cease to exist. Everything and nothing at the same time. deidre doesn’t know how to explain it. What she knows is that it’s this point, this loss of control, this wiping clean of her little slave slate, that deidre must get to.
Somehow it feeds a deep need in this girl. It’s not the pain that she needs, or the realization of His Sadistic satisfaction. It’s the act of submitting every cell and fiber and thought. Once the session is over, deidre’s body is welted and bruised but her spirit is healed of even the tiniest little bits of damage that may have developed.
The second point that needs to be addressed then would be what deidre gains out of more casual sessions such as those that she takes part in over the phone and those with Miss Isabella that don’t lead to total submission as some of the longer sessions with Master do.
deidre is a pleaser. she’s been a pleaser from a very early age. she enjoys making people happy. As a slave who has no personal property, monies, or time there are very few ways to do this. deidre can’t buy presents for people whenever she wants, she can’t send cards, or make calls, she can’t go to someone’s house and cook them dinner just to say, “I love you” What she can do though is give pleasure with her words, her imagination and her body.
Any sensation that deidre feels (pain or pleasure) through whatever acts are required to make the other person happy is lessoned as the other person’s happiness increases. The pain is such a small price to pay to hear someone laugh, or moan, or cum or to hear those precious words, “good girl” or “thank you, deidre” Those little phrases make it all worth it.
