Maintaining a positive environment

My general purpose as Master’s slave is to bring Him pleasure. One of the ways that I am allowed to do this is by trying to maintain a positive environment. Emotions and how they are displayed are a large part of this.

Things such as anger, irritation, frustration etc do nothing but detract from a positive environment therefore I attempt to mask those feelings when I am experiencing them. Not to hide them, necessarily, but if there is nothing constructive that can come from them, or as long as masking them isn’t deconstructive then it’s my job to do so.

I have no orders to not experience these feelings, that would be silly. Instead I’ve taken it upon myself to keep Master’s exposure to them at a minimum.

Anger and irritation directed toward Master are never a good thing, but it does happen. I’m a very stubborn person by nature. It runs in my family. It’s not an easy trait to push aside. There are times when I am right and I know I am right, but because Master’s right by default that makes me…ahem…well you know…wrong.

I’m not allowed to argue the point. I’m not allowed to actively find evidence to support my point and present it at a later time. I’m not allowed to glare or stomp off in frustration either. I’ve learned to modify my actions so that they meet His expectations and as soon as possible I go into another room and rant and rail in my mind, or I go to the computer and type furiously about it until I feel better. Then, I delete it.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I do get enjoyment from watching when something happens that proves me right. In times like those I’m generally not allowed to say, "I told You so, Master" Well, I’m not allowed to say it out loud, but you can bet that I’m thinking it with a sense of satisfaction while I’m hiding the smug little look on my face.

Of course, it’s been a learning process. There have been times when I’ve opened my mouth before I thought about what I was going to say, or when I’ve thought about what I was going to say and just didn’t care. His usual response is to tell me to get the strap, and I’m punished, and then we talk about what’s made me so upset that I didn’t care about the consequences.

On the other hand, if I am experiencing something that is undermining my slavery, or causing harm to the mindset that Master wants me to be in, then it is my duty to find a way to bring that up to Him in respectful and properly submissive manner before it actually becomes damaging. My departure from His household in March of ’04 was a direct result of not discussing something that was eating away at me that turned out to be nothing in the end.

Isn’t it interesting that there are so many people who find it important to maintain their individuality in a relationship expecting a certain amount of change to occur in both themselves and their partner when my relationship with Master is just the opposite. He modifies me to fit into his life harmoniously, so that He doesn’t have to change, and I do so willingly and eagerly. Through repetition and consistency He’s managed to control even my instinctual reactions to certain stimulus. Maybe expecting that one day I won’t feel such things isn’t so silly afterall