deidre feels like a failure. Not only did she let her imagination get the best of her and plan this entire ordeal promising herself and everyone else a long stretch of isolation, discipline, hunger, thirst etc ending only after she’d reached a place of enlightenment – or something along those lines - but she didn’t even get close to that. she didn’t even last a day.
**edited**
Thank You/you all for pointing out that just because the path was different than she expected doesn't mean that the journey or destination were any less valuable.
she had envisioned 5 or 6 days at the least locked in the cage. she would receive water after the end of the 2nd day, she envisioned not being allowed to eat at all (remember the rule of 3 that tells of the body’s limits. 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water, 3 weeks without food.) she would be locked away until she didn’t know what day it was or how long she’d been there. she’d be brought out for occasional discipline for His enjoyment, perhaps to worship His cock, or be forced to prepare Him meals when she herself could not eat.
5 or 6 days wasn’t realistic though and Master knew that. He knew that keeping her locked away for that long would eventually lead to things happening that would damage deidre’s psyche and would change her, as she stated in one of her entries. The thing is that Master didn’t want her changed. He likes her the way she is.
By yesterday afternoon deidre knew that the experience wasn’t having the desired effect and probably wouldn’t even if drawn out for days, but she couldn’t admit that. Master must’ve seen that and led the discussion so that she could beg for harsher treatment. She thinks that is when He decided that He would force her to beg for mercy before the evening was through. He told her as much, and deidre remembers thinking to herself that she wouldn’t no matter what. If nothing else she wanted to be able to last longer than she did when she was being punished back before being recollared. she wanted to be able to push it further.
she could only take so much pain though. It might have been different if she was doing it only for Master’s pleasure, but she wasn’t. she was doing it for herself and it’s so much harder for her to be strong for her own reasons. Knowing that she was in incredible agony and all she had to do was beg for it to stop, just a short little sentence and it would be done. There was no fear of disappointing Him, only disappointing herself.
she held out as long as she could hoping that somehow He would see that she didn’t want the pain anymore and just decide that she was done. That way she wouldn’t have to admit defeat. He could command her to stop, her pride be damned, but it didn’t work that way and she had to swallow that pride anyway.
Now she feels that she has let down not only herself, but those of you who read what she writes and expected more of her. she’s sorry for not being stronger, and for letting her imagination get carried away in public and not being able to deliver what she promised, for being so weak.
she did however get what she needed. she reached that place much more quickly than she thought she would, not just the point where it was too much but the point where she was pushed over an edge and then brought back slowly in Master's arms while she "went away" for a bit. That need in her has been fed and deidre feels so much better because of it.
On another note, according to a comment on Master’s LJ there was a discussion somewhere out there on the net (if someone cares to share deidre would enjoy reading it) where people were discussing the safety aspects of this kind of treatment.
First of all, Master knows that a slave who is damaged, injured, sick, etc cannot serve nearly as well as one who is whole, uninjured and well. It would completely defeat His purpose of having a slave if He caused her any of the above.
Second, Master loves deidre very much. While He enjoys hearing her sounds of pain when He is the direct cause of it He has no desire to be an indirect cause of harm to her in other fashions. He wouldn’t starve her. If this had gone on longer He would’ve forced her to eat. He wouldn’t allow her to become dehydrated, or to be kept in the cage so long that something irreversible would happen to her muscles or joints. deidre has had Master’s piss enough times that both of Us/us know the effects, which are nothing more severe than really upset taste buds.
Both Master and deidre thank those of You/you who were concerned. There very well may be submissives and slaves and certainly other “normal” people who are locked away, starved and beaten without mercy causing untold amounts of damage to their bodies and spirits, but deidre is not one of those people. Not only is deidre not dumb enough to be in a situation such as that, but Master cares for her very much and would never do such a horrible thing to any person for whom He has responsibility.
