masks

I’ve said before that my relationship with Master and the trust and honesty that is the foundation of that relationship has made me more fully myself than I ever have been before. I am more aware of the different aspects of myself and I am able to lie them all out on the table to be poked at and prodded by any stranger who happens by.

On the other hand there are those for whom I must wear certain masks. My relationship with Master might have inspired an intense honesty with myself and with Him, as well as with those who can accept us this way and those whose judgement doesn’t matter, but it’s also forced me to be more dishonest than ever to those around me, my neighbors, friends and family.

I have been asked by potential sisters, by friends and by callers about how the world sees me. What does Master let the neighbors see? His friends? My friends? My family? His family? It’s all kind of complicated.

The neighbors/His friends:
* My neighbors see a 28 year old girl who is living with a 53 year old man. They see the 2 of us happily interacting with each other. He is very active in our neighborhood community. I am not. I occasionally wave to the neighbors or have a conversation with them and most of the time they say something to the effect of, "It’s been a while. How have you been?" Most of them are nice people, but I have little desire to interact with them. They know that I am a phone sex operator and most of them are intrigued. They do not know that I am a slave but there are probably quite a few who have observed that I don’t make any decisions of importance.

My friends:
* My friends all know just about everything there is to know. Friends that I consider to be mine (as opposed to those that I know because of Master) are basically those from the internet. This includes a few people from collarme and other personals sites but the vast majority is made up of people from LiveJournal. LiveJournal is where all of my meaningful social interaction takes place, as sad as that may seem. There just aren’t a whole lot of people like me nearby and being friends with a girl who’s first priority is never friendships can be trying.

His family:
* Master’s brother, K. He is aware of the basics of the dynamics between Master and myself however it’s never discussed with him and it’s never thrown in his face. We don’t play or fuck in front of K. I’ve never been loaned to K. Master and I have discussed it and if K is anything he’s probably more submissive than dominant. K knows that I am a phone sex operator. I think he may have heard me on occasion when I am taking calls.

* The rest of Master’s family. He has one of those families that has reunions every year. The patriarch of the family is in his 90s and still kicking. I haven’t met everyone yet, but I’ve met the ones that are either closest or that Master likes the most. They have opened their arms and accepted me, making me an honorary –insert Master’s family name here- One of them told me over thanksgiving that she has never seen Master as happy as he is now and she thinks that I am to thank for that. What higher compliment can someone pay me than that?

My Family:
* My sister, E, and I used to be very close. We’re not anymore though. When I went to her house last summer I had just come from my fathers and wasn’t wearing my collar. The first night I was getting ready to go out with her and my mother and put it back on. Her reaction was that my necklace didn’t match my outfit and I should take the jewelry off. I refused explaining that Master (I used his first name) gave it to me and I hadn’t really had it off since except for when I visited dad. I think she started to get the idea at that point. She knew a little before then, but I think the image of me collared finished off any of the blank parts in her imagination of how I was living my life. I don’t think she approves. We haven’t spoken since then. I’m not sure how much my lifestyle has to do with that though.

* My mother knows the pieces and details that I think she is able to handle. She knows that I am with a man old enough to be my father, and that Master has quite a few things in common with my father. She finds that strangely amusing. Mom knows that I am a phone sex operator. She knows that I have kinky sex, that I sometimes role play weird things and that sometimes I play with rope. One of her favorites things to say when we talk is, "What have you been doing lately, just hanging around?" Then she giggles. Mom also knows that I am a phone sex operator and she likes to tease me about that too. She has no idea that my specialty is submissive phone sex or masochistic treatment at the direction of my Callers. I do not think she would be pleased if she knew that I partake in such things either in real life or over the phone.

* My Father. Sigh. I’m not going to go too deeply into what my father knows and doesn’t know or what he thinks he knows. We’ve had issues. He is the only one that I have not told I am a phone sex op. He may know, but we’ve never discussed it. He is also the only one that I have outright lied to about my life rather than simply omitting details. We are at a point now where he knows that I am happy and he is trying to accept that. He is trying to force himself to believe that even though he doesn’t see how it is possible. When we talk we never talk about the specifics of my life. We talk about the cats, his job, my other family members etc. I recently sent him a copy of the "I am From…" poem that I wrote and I think he came to understand some things about me that he hadn’t before. I think that seeing things from my point of view will help him with a deeper understanding of who I am.

So, I don’t appear to be who I really am to most people, and I wonder how they would react if saw me without my masks. I think that things would become far too complicated and frankly Master and I both are happy with as few complications as possible. I’m sure that my neighbors would see me as a broken abused woman who needs help and Master as the Sadistic Bastard who’s managed to take advantage of me. That’s probably part of the reason why I can’t stand to be around them for very long, because I can never let them know me. Relationships with them can never be any deeper than surface level and as Nathaniel Hawthorne said, "No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which one is true." The last thing I want to do is exchange the me that is real for the me that is not.