On this day 3 years ago, you passed away after a wonderful 87 years. It’s something we had known about for a while, unfortunately not nearly long enough. If someone had discovered it over the previous year while looking at all of those MRIs and CAT scans they might have been able to do something about it sooner. Instead they opened you up to fix an aortic aneurysm and discovered a bread-loaf-sized tumor had devoured your uterus.

You were a strong woman; in fact, deidre got her willfulness and stubbornness strait from you. It was only fair that you would give deidre something like that, after all, deidre was your birthday present born just one day after you turned 63. You made sure that deidre never forgot just how lucky you were to have received such a wonderful gift. deidre ended up pretty darn lucky too.

When deidre was young, you potty trained her, taught her to read numbers and then letters. You pretended to be the big bad mean shark who wanted to eat poor helpless little polywog deidre in the pool. You taught her the value of saving billions of canned goods just in case and how to properly treat a burn with the aloe vera from the front porch. You let her have Cocoa Puffs when mom and dad weren’t looking and her favorite little strawberry candies from the meat and cheese boxes.

You would go to far away places like Australia and Lithuania and bring back wonderful treats. You once brought back a leather jacket that made deidre feel just like Michael Jackson. Another time you brought a tight little hot pink spandex outfit. It was probably a little inappropriate for a 5th grader, but deidre looked damned cute in it. It’s also probably a good thing that deidre developed a little different sense of clothing taste.

Your favorite song was Mack the Knife, but you loved to listen to Guns and Roses or Garth Brooks with her too. It just kind of depended on your mood.

Once when deidre was old enough to know was S-E-X was, you pulled her aside and said, “Do you know that your grandfather and I have not had sex in over 10 years?” What does one say to a thing like that except to sit there with her mouth open for a minute, laugh nervously and say, “I love you, Gramma”

You loved to cook old Russian recipes that your mom had learned before coming to America. You adored knitting, crocheting, and sewing. If it hadn’t been for you deidre never would’ve finished her own wedding dress in time for the ceremony. You were always patient with deidre’s dumb guesses on your crossword puzzles.

For the first 2 years you were sick you came and lived with deidre. she’s so happy she had those years with you, but they went way too quickly. After you went through your 2nd course of chemo treatments though you were so weak that deidre was afraid, no terrified, that you would fall down some morning after deidre went to work and end up lying there for hours on the cold tile before anyone could come home to check. Eventually deidre had to ask dad to come take you up to his house so that B could keep an eye on you. It was a difficult decision to make, but was best in the end, and you never held it against deidre. You kept right on loving her even though she had to send you away.

deidre only got to see you two or three times between the time that you moved out and the time that deidre got “the call” she was at work that day. Suddenly dad’s voice was on the other end of the line telling deidre that the cancer was back. He’d just finished the 8 hour drive home from UC Davis and watched you slowly getting weaker minute by minute. You knew that you wouldn’t make it though another round of chemo treatments, so did he. You’d just given up. Dad thought that You might only make it another week. deidre promised to go up there the next day so she would be able to say good bye.

An hour later deidre gets another call. Dad again. He’s not sure that you will make it another 2 days. Your going fast.

One more call. You may not make it through the night. Fuck. deidre leaves work and begins the 8 hour drive to Dad’s house. It still hasn’t quite hit her yet. she’s still being the responsible optimistic mom/sister/daughter/wife etc deidre’s younger sister’s house is on the way. she plans on heading there to pick E. up.

15 minutes from E’s house “I’m Already There” by Lonestar comes on. Just to hear her say "I love you" one more time. Somehow you were there in the truck with deidre sitting on the passenger seat where you’d been so many times before. And deidre knew. You’d come to say good bye. Through the music you tell this girl I’m already there. Take a look around. I’m the sunshine in your hair. I’m the shadow on the ground. I’m the whisper in the wind. I’m your imaginary friend. And I know...I’m in your prayers. I’m already there. And deidre knew. You were gone. Part of you would always be right there with her, but still, you were gone.

deidre hated you for a moment when she found out for sure. Why didn’t you wait?!? Didn’t you love her enough to hold on for just a few more hours. Wasn’t that love strong enough to keep you alive just until she could hold your hand and tell you that she loved you? Tell you how much she needs you?

That was just for a few moments though. Then the tears finally came. That brief horrible hate was washed away and deidre was left empty. There was a hole where you used to be.

And now…now…she’s thankful.

Thank you Gramma, for everything that you’ve been, everything that you still are. deidre misses you so much. You were always there, from her earliest memories, deidre knows you will be there to meet her at the end with your arms wide open welcoming her home.