This girl was thinking today (no smart ass comments please), and she realized that while deidre is very submissive, her sister is quite Dominant. Master’s brother seems to be the submissive type, and, of course, Master is Dominant. So here’s the question. Do most siblings who identify as one or the other have brothers or sisters who identify opposingly? Additionally, If you are Dominant to the 9th degree, do you have a sibling who is submissive to the 9th degree?
Friday night Dad and B took deidre to a coffee shop hang out of theirs. When deidre was in high school she and her stepmother used to go to a little coffee shop in Turlock where they would have live bands. One band in particular, Canterbury, was a favorite of deidre’s They played Christian rock, but their lead singer was so hot it that deidre was willing to overlook their choice in music. Actually the music was pretty good too, but not nearly as good as the sounds that the lead singer and deidre made as he was taking her in her fantasies.
By bringing deidre to a coffee shop on Friday night B was trying to recreate that experience. The difference was that the music was jazz, and none of the band members were attractive. The coffee was great though and we drank cup after cup as we shouted to each other over the music.
That night we sat around the campfire again and told jokes with one of the men who has been helping dad work on the house. Evidently the campfire in the front yard most nights makes dad appear to be a squatter and he meets lots of people who are between homes. His latest helper, W, was a very nice person who had fallen on hard times after having his driver’s license taken away due to some seizures. It’s hard to get work as an electrician when you can’t drive. Dad pays him a small amount per hour plus meals to give him a hand. Tonight he was eating the rest of our Cornish game hen as we told jokes and laughed around the fire.
deidre has a few favorite jokes. The first is the string joke. It’s dumb, but deidre loves it. The second is the UCDavis joke which you can’t tell as a joke or it’s ruined. If you really want to know any of these just ask and deidre will type them out. Dad, however, has added one to this list, not because deidre likes it, but because she made it up when she was a kid. Every time we get together with new people dad has to tell this dumb joke and completely embarrass deidre beyond belief. He decided to do that Friday night. This joke deidre will not re-tell. It’s dumb and pointless and makes no sense like most knock knock jokes created by 5 year olds don’t. she will drink her own piss, suck cock until snot comes from her nose, scream out that she is a fucking whore, plaster the internet with naked pictures of herself, get down on hands and knees and snort like a piggie, but she will not mortify herself by retelling this “joke”. When she couldn’t stay awake any more deidre went upstairs, crawled into bed and shivered until she fell asleep.
Saturday was the day of Dad’s non-house warming 4th of July party. deidre spent the first part of the day running back and forth to the grocery store picking up this and that until dad finally realized that he had everything that he needed. During the previous 3 days he had smoked a shit load of chicken thighs and drumsticks for the 90 or so people that had RSVPd but still needed to prepare the condiments, veggies, burgers, calamari and abalone.
deidre and her step brother (who had arrived at about 6:30 that morning from Portland) were put on lettuce/tomato/onion duty and started slicing away. He’d been in prison for a while, released about 8 months ago, and so had a lot of catching up to do on deidre’s life. deidre told him about her marriage, divorce, stepdaughter etc and we started to talk about this girl’s belief system. she’s never gone through the dedication ceremony but is basically Wiccan in all but name. deidre always tells people who ask that she doesn’t actually call herself a Witch, but a Witch in training.
We began to talk about the Wiccan Rede, “An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will” which brought us to why he is a vegetarian. He hates to cause harm or suffering to anyone, including animals. At that moment the knife deidre was using to cut the tomato cut completely through the tip of her left pinky finger. It didn’t hurt, surprisingly, but when she brought her hand up the tip of the finger was missing. The damn thing wouldn’t stop bleeding and deidre couldn’t seem to stop giggling. Not only was it fascinating to see the meat on her finger, but it was hilarious that it had happened during that topic of conversation. After she bandaged herself up, and threw away the missing piece, she went back to cutting veggies and was MUCH more careful.
After all of us had eaten dinner, gone back for seconds and had dessert we settled in to watch the fireworks. They started at about 9:40 when it was dark and were beautiful. One of the people there was a 19 year old girl with Cerebral Palsy. She was such a sweetheart and sort of latched on to deidre. It was so much fun to lie on the grass next to her and hear her reactions as each firework exploded in the sky. Things like that are always better when you can experience them with a child, see the wonder through their eyes, letting their youth bring out the child in you. Everyone went home by midnight. We did a little bit of clean up and got to bed late again.
Sunday morning was deidre’s last morning with dad. He hadn’t actually had time to cook up the calamari and abalone the night before so he sautéed it for Sunday morning breakfast. Calamari is one of deidre’s favorite foods and it was a special treat to be able to have some prepared this way. Dad even left the tentacles in for her ☺ Everyone else had pancakes. It made deidre feel special that he cooked them up just for her, but then again, she will always be his little girl.
At about noon deidre said good bye to dad, her step mother and step brother and drove away to begin the 6 hour drive to her sister’s house.
To be continued…
Once getting out of San Fran the drive was easy. deidre got out the CD’s that she had recorded, turned the volume up and sang at the top of her lungs along with Adam Sandler, Tenacious D, Jewel, James Blunt, Prince, Eminem and all of the other music that closer to the bottom of Master’s list of favorites than the top. she’d called everyone to let them know she had made it in once piece and was in an adventurous mood ready to take on anything that Hwy 101 could throw her way.
When she made it to her dad’s house at about 3 am she was shown to her bed, hugged and tucked it. she wanted to fall asleep right away. The next day would be starting much earlier than she wanted it to.
One of the reasons deidre chose this particular time to travel back home to California was because her father was planning on combining an open house along with his annual 4th of July party. There was just one problem though. The house wasn’t finished it. At this point the foundation had been poured, the studs and walls had been erected the roof was on and so was the siding. There was nothing else though. No flooring, no insulation, no hot water, no toilet etc. deidre was sleeping on the second story of this unfinished home. Under 2 thick blankets the 50 degree cold sill seeped in. deidre spent the first 15 – 20 minutes of each night shivering before falling into sleep.
deidre’s first full day with her dad started with coffee -thank god- He had a meeting first thing in the morning and then came by in his work truck to pick up deidre and take her to the main park at which he works. He introduced deidre to a few of the people that he works with and then took her to the water treatment plant that is his responsibility to maintain. He showed her how to mix the chemicals and take readings of different levels in the water so that it can be labeled safe to drink.
Then we drove out to one of the other parks that he works at where there is a working lighthouse. On the way there deidre took some wonderful pics
she woke early that morning; there were still things that needed to be done before she left, but the time went too quickly. Soon it was time to carry the luggage to the 4Runner, to say good-bye to the cats and dogs and for the slave to scramble into her seat at her Master’s side for what easily could be the last car ride together.
Well, probably not, but that is what it felt like. 8 days away from your Owner isn’t all that much less than an eternity really. Especially when you consider that deidre is basically domestically incarcerated, pleasantly kept in her Owner’s presence 24/7. He’s an addiction. deidre needs Him to function normally and here she is voluntarily withdrawing herself from her drug.
Before We/we left deidre had gone into the bedroom to get the key to her wristlets and collar for Master. First He removed her right wristlet, the one that j had been wearing while We/we were awaiting her return, then He took off her collar. During the drive deidre kept feeling her neck. It felt so small and naked without His steel locked on it.
she was glad though that He had given her a key to take with her and that as soon as she left her Father’s house she could lock them back on where they belonged. she was also happy that He allowed her to wear the last wristlet on her left wrist like a bracelet or watch.
deidre’s dad does not understand the little bit of her life that he knows. He certainly wouldn’t understand the whole of it. Being kinky in the bedroom is one thing, living it as a lifestyle is different and is unacceptable in his eyes. He is blander than vanilla. He is plain and he is a father who wants only the best for his oldest daughter. deidre doesn’t blame him. she doesn’t want to push that protective side anymore than she has to.
By the time we were to the area where deidre had to go on her own she was almost in tears. She only controlled herself because she didn’t want Master to remember her that way while she was gone. He held her for a few moments. He kissed her long and hard, as if He too wanted to make up for all of the kisses He wouldn’t be able to take from deidre while she was away. He told her that He loves her. Then He told her to go. And she went.
Going through security is always fun. she’s done it several times with both wristlets and collar on. They always give her the same look when she explains that the “jewelry” is locked on and she can’t remove it. They don’t believe, but take her aside anyway. That is usually deidre’s favorite part…the pat down. she has all kinds of fantasies that revolve around it and this day she had a beautiful woman touching her without emotion as if she was just another piece of meat to inspect. deidre’s remembers the feel of the inside her this Goddesses wrist as it lightly brushed up against her hard nipple, making it even harder, and that flush of heat and wetness from that unexpected surprise. deidre wasn’t suspicious enough to take to a private room for a more intimate inspection though. she will just have to ensure that she’s more so the next time she flies.
deidre is a very friendly person, but when it comes to things like getting her hair cut, being in the dentist office or waiting at the airport, deidre likes to be quite. she absolutely hates pointless chit chat. It’s a waste of time, especially when you have a really good book right there in your hand and the lady next to you will not shut up so that you can read it. While she waited deidre learned everything she could possibly want to know about this woman’s son, who is a wiz with computers and computer games. Then finally deidre’s prayers were answered and it was time to board. Thank you, Goddess.
deidre’s first flight was to Atlanta where she would board another plane to San Fran. The pilot must’ve been either new or drunk because the take off was one of the worst deidre has ever experienced. The plane was actually swerving on the runway and bounced twice. After that everything was smooth until the landing.
After a 4 hour layover in Atlanta deidre was on her way west. This flight was much better. Like a goofy tourist deidre even took some shots through the window of the plane. Flying over the tops of clouds always reminds deidre of the Cloud-men in James and the Giant Peach who make hailstones, snow and rainbows. She can’t help but peek down hoping to catch a glimpse of them.
deidre landed in San Fran at about 9 pm, got her luggage and went to the rental car office where they gave her a PT Cruiser instead of the car she had booked. deidre is NOT a fan of PT Cruisers, but what was she doing to do? she was tired and wanted to go to bed, but there was still a 3 – 4 hour drive to her dad’s house.
To be continued…
deidre made it back! Yay! she’s working on getting caught up on e-mails, journal comments, other’s entries, phones and house work but soon she will be able to write about all of the fun she had in California.
~d~
deidre will be making a trip out to California and will be unavailable from Wed, June 28 through Thurs, July 6. deidre hopes that You have a happy and safe Independence Day.
New memberships will be processed upon her return. Click Here for more Info.
All recordings, photo sets and stories will remain available for Your pleasure.
This post is inspired by someone else’s story also recently shared here. Thank you for having enough courage to put it into words. deidre feels that each time one of us shares our story it will somehow help somone else who is going through what we have.
deidre has had 3 major events in her life that have helped to shape who she is. The most recent, her acquisition and ownership, she discusses just about every time she writes. However there were 2 before that. The first is below.
deidre was 16 at the time. The "love of her life" had dumped her 7 months earlier, but she still saw him every day. she hurt anew every time he didn’t meet her eyes, every time she heard our song, every time she took a breath. she’d tried one or two other relationships over the months, but they just weren’t the same.
What if she never found love again? What if she wasn’t worth loving? What if the entire world was better off without her? These were the thoughts constantly jumbling around in her mind.
On the outside, deidre still appeared happy. she’d always been good at pretending, at smiling when all she wanted to do was cry. she still laughed with her friends, went to football games, and dances, but she felt so broken and ugly.
That night she was in her bedroom. It was late. Everyone else was in bed. On the stereo was her Forrest Gump soundtrack. Track 19 from disc two, The Forrest Gump Suite, was playing over and over. It had been doing so for hours. deidre was in a zone, a self destructive almost meditative zone. she was telling herself over and over "you’re stupid" "you’re worthless" " you are unlovable" until finally she decided that she was right. There was no point anymore. All that she could remember in this life was pain, sadness, deep depression.
she wrote her note, telling everybody how much she loved them and how much she hated herself. she distributed her most valued things, her music, books, and rabbit, Mademoiselle Lapin.
Suicidal Thoughts
I watch from a distance—above
The tub
The pills
The water
The knife (just to be sure)
Nobody loves me. Why can’t they love me?
One…Two…Three
I take a drink
…Twenty-one…Twenty-two…Twenty-three
Drink some more
…Forty-one…Forty-two…Forty-three
All gone.
I can’t do this
Just do it! The knife! Use the knife!!
No.
Yes.
I see myself pick up the knife
I slit once…twice…
Goodbye.
deidre only actually slit once, and not very deep. Something about the pain brought her out of that hypnotic zone. she realized what she was doing. she’d already swallowed an entire bottle of pills, but oh god, she didn’t want to die!
If she killed herself she’d never get to the end of the story, she’d never know if she went to college and became an English teacher, she’d never be able to watch her baby sister grow up, she’d leave off in the middle, and deidre never stopped in the middle.
she got out of the tub, and woke up her mother, describing what she had done. Just the horror on her mother’s face was enough to bring deidre to tears. God, what had she done?
deidre was rushed to the hospital, her stomach pumped and the psychiatrists consulted. It seems that her attempt was more of a cry for help than anything else. she was given discharge instructions and forced to see a psychiatrist twice a week for 6 months.
What deidre realized as she was sitting there in the emergency room, stomach pump tube hanging from her mouth, sitting on her hands as instructed while the nurses read the instructions for the machine, is that nothing is worth putting the book down. This story is not predictable and needs to be seen through to the end no matter what.
Does deidre still get depressed? Yes.
Has she ever wanted to kill herself again? No.
she knows now that any hopelessness that she feels, any depression is only temporary. she may not know how many more chapters are left in the story, but she knows that the one she is in currently isn’t the last, and that reading through to the end is worth enduring the darkness.
Master’s brother is so cool. He must be the world’s nicest, most altruistic guy. Thursday was Master’s 53rd birthday so deidre and His brother, K, planned a big surprise for Him.
Thursday night deidre made Master a “wonderful” dinner of baked herb-crusted salmon, a nice crisp green salad, a loaded baked potato, rice pilaf and white wine. For dessert deidre made Master’s favorite cake, German chocolate with coconut pecan frosting from scratch accompanied by Godiva’s raspberry chocolate truffle ice cream. We/we normally eat fairly simply so it was a nice change for Master to have deidre be His little kitchen slut, slaving away all day for His meal. And honestly, deidre really enjoys cooking for Him especially when He is as pleased with His meal as He was with this one. He didn’t really want to do much, just take it easy and relax for the rest of the night.
Somehow He found out about the surprise that K and deidre had planned, but didn’t let on to K so it wouldn’t ruins K’s fun. Earlier in the week K sent deidre a package with a Law and Order DVD and a plush Eeyore (deidre’s a big fan of both) The poor Eeyore needed an emergency ticketectomy though. Before he was mailed down, K had opened him up, inserted 2 baseball tickets and the sewn him back up. Using a Trojan Eeyore was the only way that we could think of to get the tickets here without Master knowing.
Friday night deidre took Master to Tropicana Field so that We/we could watch the Devil Rays and Braves game. Just when the game was about to start K showed up to surprise Master. Master wasn’t supposed to know that K was flying down, or that K had purchased game tickets. He pretended to be surprised, but didn’t really pull it off very well. Master is not anywhere near being “the great pretender”
The game was great. Both teams scored runs in the first inning then nothing until the very end scoring just enough to keep themselves tied into 2 extra innings when finally the Braves won. Master had decided early on to root for Tampa Bay, deidre for the Braves and of course K is for the Braves since they are his home team. It’s probably not a very slavelike thing, but it was still fun to niggle at Master saying “ha ha, you lost and we won” afterward. By the time We/we got home it was almost midnight so E/everyone went to bed.
Saturday was supposed to be a surprise too, but Master already knew most of it. We/we slept in a little and deidre made fresh banana bread muffins for breakfast. Then K got out some remote controlled pool toys that he brought for Master. They went out to the pool and played with their boats and sharks until about 2. Then it was time to get ready to go and see The Da Vinci Code. deidre doesn’t get why so many of the reviews that she read were bad. she loved this movie. Granted it’s been almost 3 years since she read the book and she’s forgotten most of it. Master and K liked it too.
The best part of the day was afterward. K asked Master what there was to do that was fun near BayWalk and Master answered “The Pier” We/we walked down there and hung out for a little while, then Master decided He was hungry and that We/we should get something to eat. He suggested one of the restaurants there. It was awesome to see the surprise on His face when We/we went in and said that We/we had reservations for 3. K and deidre couldn’t have planned it better if we had tried.
After dinner we came home and had more cake and ice cream then Master and K went out to get into the hot tub. deidre can’t go in ‘cause of her piercings, but was allowed to dangle her feet into the water for a little while before We/we all headed inside and to bed.
Today was a lazy day. It rained and there was thunder and lightening so We/we really did nothing but sit around chatting and watching the rain. K left so that he could catch his flight a little while ago so Master’s Birthday weekend is officially over.
It’s good to be back to normal, speaking in 3rd person, Calling Him “Master” and being naked. deidre will spend the rest of tonight working, trying to play catch up for the time she missed over the weekend and for the time she will miss while she’s in California and getting things ready for her trip on Wed morning.
For the last 3 – 4 months deidre’s been gradually slinking into a slump. Because it was gradual, and because of the stuff with j, deidre didn’t know how much it was affecting her. Then the day before yesterday deidre realized that she was feeling light, bouncy, goofy and giggly again. In case you were wondering, yes, that feeling did have a little bit to do with some of the off the wall posts deidre’s been posting lately.
Because deidre is a virgo, and because it’s just the way she is, she started to analyze herself trying to figure out what may have put her into this hazy slightly numbed emotional state in the first place. BINGO. Discipline. Not just discipline but the total breakdown that comes from a really intense session where deidre is pushed to her limit and then just beyond. A session where deidre goes into the “give up” stage when she lets herself go and accepts the pain rather than trying to fight it. It’s not subspace, but deidre thinks its one of the stops on the way there.
deidre hasn’t had a session like that since the one with the cane when j. was here. deidre’s never really “in the mood” for discipline. she doesn’t ever crave is like many slaves do, but still there is some deep part of her that needs it. this girl has given up trying to understand it totally. she just knows that slowly something builds up inside her until she is disciplined and it is somehow released.
deidre’s had little sessions here and there, but as she said, nothing really intense for a while….until last Monday. It wasn’t exactly discipline and Master wasn’t the one who was doing it, but the pain of the piercings ended up doing for deidre the same thing that a nice long hard session does. she had to force herself not to beg for it to stop, she had to fight the pain, and at one point she experienced the emotional relaxation that comes from giving herself over to the pain.
Now, she feels better than she has in months. It’s like a fog has been lifted, a fog that she didn’t even notice and even though it’s just a normal amount of sunnyness everything seems so much clearer, so much better, in comparison.
It’s silly and goofy but for some reason it never gets old. “Tonight We/we sleep with the fishes” deidre always says after making the bed and putting on the fishy sheets. They are damn near the tackiest sheets in the world but so bright and colorful.
When deidre first came to Master’s Household, it seemed like everything was white. All of the sheets were white, the towels, sink, tub and cabinetry in the guest bathroom were white. Everything in the kitchen was white. It wasn’t even for a really good reason. It was simply because white was easy.
Then, deidre came along, and eventually the fishy sheets, colored towels, etc did too. Perhaps one could say that deidre colors Master world? Or if white is easy, then the color that deidre brings makes everything so much more complicated? Either way, today marks the 2 year anniversary of the day that He locked this collar around His little slut’s neck and took her formally as His forever.
Our meeting was a fluke really. Not only was deidre married, and He lived 2500 miles away on the opposite coast, but His initial correspondence to deidre was intended for someone else. The worst part of it all is that deidre was what she now refers to as a player, a fake.
* gasp *
Yes, that’s right. deidre was originally just playing a game. How could this world of chains and whips, spankings and servitude, begging and pleasing exist? And what the heck is shibari, golden showers, bukkake and bastinado? All of this Master and slave stuff is just a game over the internet, something you do in chat rooms. It’s one hell of a turn on, but not for real right?.
Boy was she in for a shock. Not only is this wicked crazy life real, but she left her husband (that was part of the plan anyway), her step daughter, her family, her job, and most of her possessions to move out to Florida to become totally immersed in it. she’s done so many things she never dreamed she would, and become so much more than she thought possible. It’s all thanks to one Man’s love and patience.
Today We/we celebrate Us/us, Master. Thank You for wanting her, for keeping her, for possessing her. deidre loves You so much. It is literally hurting to think of how big that is, to feel the power of that emotion. she’s your bitch, your slut, your whore, your cunt, your slave, your little girl, your puppy, and your pet. she’s your property, she’s owned by you and she knows Master, that she’s truly nothing without you.
